BLOG SHORTCUTS

During my insomnia, I searched the internet and found several blogs regarding women who are dealing with mental health issues in their "normal" lives.  I was inspired by many of thier posts and giggled several times.  Please check them out.

I made it through the night.  My oldest daughter is home with me today so we can take care of some bowel issues.  Yippee.  For those of your in the know, sometimes it can be like a mountain that needs climbing in order to make it through the night. 

It's a new day and I will try and do my best, which is all anyone can ask for, right?

Fake it 'til you make it.... right.....

After making some decisions in my life regarding the direction we will be taking as a family as we deal with our everyday lives and mommy's "sickness," I have done my best to be as happy (often overly, annoyingly happy) as is possible.  I have also tried to consume every waking moment with something of positive substance.  As I said in my last post, this is totally wearing me out.  I am exhausted.  I feel like I am running around in circles trying to find the next positive thing to accomplish in order to prevent a downward anxiety or depression-ridden spiral.

Of course this sounds selfish and sickening to many people, but for a few of you out there, you might have a slight understanding of what I often feel.  I have a wonderful, understanding husband and three beautiful, smart, and sensitive children.  I love my family more than anything in this entire universe and beyond.  But, because of the guilt that has been driven into my psyche since childhood, along with my bottom-dwelling self-esteem, I can't help feeling like they would all be better without me.  I would not want them to feel the pain of losing me, but I wish that I could just disappear and that no one would have any recollection that I ever existed.  I felt this was early into my treatment, and these negative thoughts are again beginning to surface.  I am running out of distractions, and it's making me feel panicky.  Ugh.

Rainy Day

It has been nearly 8 weeks since I have started on my journey of dealing with my panic/anxiety disorder and depression.  I have been utilizing several different medications, and MD, a psychotherapist, and my family: my family the most, by far.  I am in my early 30s, and a wife and mother to three beautiful children.  It is an extreme understatement to say that it has been difficult for all of us.

I have recently decided to stop working to stay home and concentrate on my recovery and the management of my disorders.  Although I initially felt relief and calm once I made this decision, I am now starting to feel scared, anxious, and sad.  I have tried to put on a cheerful front (you know, "fake it until you make it"), but I have come the conclusion that that approach, although it works for a while, it is an exhausting undertaking.  The weather today is not helping.